Common Traits of Narcissistic Parents
A Note on Narcissism and Gender
This post is based on the writing of Karyl McBride, and adapted to fit the gender identities of any parent/child pair. McBride’s book (which I recommend and have listed in my Reading Recs blog post) centers around the experience of daughters of mothers with narcissistic traits. I believe the traits listed are not necessarily tied to gender, although the most common dynamic seen in my experience as a therapist is that mother/daughter dynamic. Narcissism is not gender-specific, but the specific ways it manifests can be tied to gender role expectations, patriarchy and internalized misogyny. Especially if the narcissistic parent has a rigid framework of gender roles for them and their children.
I do tend to use gender-inclusive language when I write about narcissism because: 1) gender diversity and gender-inclusive language is a thing. 2) Narcissism can occur between a parent and child of any genders. 3) I am wary of contributing to a stereotype that only mothers are narcissistic, or the idea that if a mother isn’t 100% self-sacrificing she is a narcissist, whereas fathers do not tend to have the same kind of expectations placed on them. 4) we need to normalize the effects of narcissism on sons and children of any gender identity.
“The Ten Stingers”
Karyl McBride identified ten common experiences seen in the relationships between her clients who were daughters of narcissistic mothers. (As explained above, I have adopted these with gender-neutral language.)
1. You find yourself constantly attempting to win your (parent’s) love, attention, and approval, but never feel able to please them.
2. Your (parent) emphasizes the importance of how it looks to them rather than how it feels to you.
3. Your (parent) is jealous of you.
4. Your (parent) does not support your healthy expressions of self, especially when they conflict with their own needs or threaten them.
5. In your family, it’s always about Mom(/Dad/the parent).
6. Your (parent) is unable to empathize.
7. Your (parent) can’t deal with their own feelings.
8. Your (parent) is critical and judgmental.
9. Your (parent) treats you like a friend, not a daughter(/son/child).
10. You have no boundaries or privacy with your (parent).
Naricissistic Traits vs. Personality Disorder
McBride’s book includes a brief questionnaire to identify narcissistic traits in your parent. McBride’s writing, and my own work, do not exclusively deal with parents who meet the DSM-5 criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Rather, I view narcissistic traits as a spectrum, and while some parents may qualify for the DSM personality disorder, we can address the harm that can be done when a parent has just a few of these traits. As McBride says in her book, “(parents) with only a few traits can negatively affect their (children) in insidious ways.” Having narcissistic parents is one of the forms of complex trauma within the family of origin that can result in Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN). You can read more about that in my post on CEN. Narcissistic parents and Childhood Emotional Neglect are two sides of the same coin in many cases, because lack of empathy and connection between parent and child are at the center of both issues.
Everyone’s Experience Is Unique
This is just a cursory overview of the ten common experiences/traits McBride identified in her research. Ultimately there is a lot of overlap among the concepts of complex trauma, childhood emotional neglect, narcissism, other DSM personality disorders, and emotionally immature parents. I encourage the reader to hold onto what resonates, and use what terminology feels right to you, and leave the rest. Also, please do not take my perspective or use of labels as dogmatic for you. Everyone’s experience is their own, and everyone’s use of language is their own.
Sources
Karyl McBride, “Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers”, 2008.